cmoserror1

i wish she could call me, and take all this pain away.
tell me about how much she thought of me at school,
or how much she loves me,
what she loves about me,
tells me that ive been working hard for her and shes proud
ask me to marry her,
understand that there are some things i cant do,
tell me that  i am and will forever be her only one
hold me
spend hours talking about random stupid shit
apologize for all the pain and ask how to take it away
smile
apologize and ask me if she is still lewandowski after what happened
tell me that she doesnt give a shit what they say about me
tell me that she trusts me, not them.
let me know that she fucking knows they are wrong,

but who knows what will happen..... she might not even call. maybe she is mad and went off cheating again, i dont know but i really need her right now. im so depressed. i need to hear her happy cute voice again. i miss you rose. please call soon. i love you. Y_Y 

 wow this is getting bad. i keep thinking about cutting. the thoughts wont leave my head. and i keep doing it too. again and again. sometimes its beacuse it turns me on and i can jack off with the pain. and most of the time its because the pain of the cuts distracts me from the other pain. i feel like i deserve it too. like i did something wrong to make rose do that to me. and she almost killed herself last night too. im so scared this pain is fucking tearing me apart. its all my fault. i hope rose will forgive me and we can be happy again i really hope. i love rose so fucking much. i would do anything for her. well anything that i can actually do. she keeps getting mad at me because i wont get fucking amancipated. thats such shit i hate it when this happens. she gets upset everytime i cant do something for her. i mean, i understand this but like she knows i cant do it because even if i do i have no fucking way dow there still. it will just cause more problems. and maybe someday she will realize that instead of get mad at me for it especially at the time i need her fucking love the most. when im in all this pain the last thing i needed was more pain. thats probably why i cut so much now. i relly just started today but i did a few times before. there are 100s of cuts (litterally) all over my legs like a roadmap. whenever i go crazy and just cut and slash at it, it looks like a bloody mess.

the last time i cut was a bout an hour or so ago. and i plan to do it again soon. idky i do this. its really bad.  i used to like it because of the blood. now its more than that. idk. 

i hope i can talk to rose tonight. if i can i hope i can hear her. her phone is so fucked up its really pissing e off. she sent me 2 voicemails and one of them she said she was going to trick or treat with bros, idk when she will be back home and i boubt she has been a good girl but i guess we will see. i really hope to talk to her soon. and i really hope her phone is better. this really sucks god i need help.

 i have been thinking about it a lot. and i really want to cut. i keep struggling to get the thoughts out of my head but then when i stop thinking about cutting more painful things come into my head. i dont know what to do. im in so much pain i need to do it but im scared if i did i would keep doing it..... damn this is so confusing. maybe if i just fucking die then it wouldnt be so confusing would it? but i promised rose i wouldnt die. and i know dying wouldnt help i still want to live my life with rose and i really hope my heart feels better soon. im scared she is going to leave me because im so scared and my heart is broken. it was truamatizing having to listen to her do that over the phone. when it comes back into my head... all the moaning, the shit she said, everything. it just kills me. i know she did something like this before to jeremy but im nothing like he was. and now i know it for sure because she did that to him once and he deserved it totally for being unloyal in thoughts to her. and i havent done anything like that but she did it 2 times and then made me listen over the phone to it the third time she did. i dont even know what i did to make her mad. but i know it wasnt as bad as what jeremy did to make her do it. its been days and its still killing me inside. shes mad at him for a useless reason. one that kills me inside more than anything else. and she doesnt even realize it. she doesnt understand what it is about it that makes me so sad. i was typing this onto lj to try and vent to stop myself from cutting but its making things worse. i dont even know how the fuck i would tell her if i did. but if i did i would definately tell her in one way or another. because i love her with all my heart. or at least the parts of it that arent broken. but i know she can fix those parts. she really is amazing and i cant stand the thought of loosing her. 

 for too long there has been a glass wall between us.
separating us from contact with each other.
its hard to feel her soft skin,
or her warm kisses,
or even feel her heart beat.
that fucking glass.

bashing nonstop at it wondering when it may break so we can finally see each other.
my knuckles beaten and my heart bleeding, i keep fucking trying.

but today, when everything seems lost, when it seems like everything is going to fail.
it happens.
i can feel it coming, its so close.
i cant wait to see her even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
the glass is splitting and we stand there on opposite sides of it smiling at each other.
 
rose, i know we may not be able to talk for days or weeks or even months.
i know that you are grounded and we have lost total contact.
i am always thinking about you. im still trying.
this is a day we have been waiting for almost 7 months.

in the time we wont be able to talk.
i pray you stay loyal
and never forget i will always love you.
when i say i do i fucking mean it.
i know we have had some rough times but that really did make our love stronger,
maybe thats what was needed to break the glass.


i love you rose.

 it hurt so bad when she told me to leave her room. ive been depressed all day about various things it feels like everything is going wrong at once and the pain is almost too much for me. i love rose but i really need her to understand that i cant do certain things and her not to get sad or upset or mad over little things so we can enjoy our love together. it hurts me so much inside everything that happened last night. even some of the things that happened a while ago that i told her i would try to forget. i honestly want to die but i told her i wont so i guess i wont. but now i feel like she wont care if i do. i really think she is going to leave me and i dont want to have to let her out of y life. i love her with all my heart. i know we can have lots of fun and good times together its just that it gets really difficult sometimes when she does this but its not even her fault usually its something i do and she gets really upset over it and we both get sad. i dont even want to talk about what happened last night. if i think about it all at once i WILL snap and kill myself. and there is probably at least one person out there that will care that im gone. maybe. Sometimes i wish we could look past the small things and she could understand when i say i cant do something she should trust me. everything i do is for the better of our love and i cant seem to get her to understand that. im trying as hard as i can to go and see her but shes making it difficult sometimes. and why would she keep asking me to ask her to marry me in front of my parents? when she stresses me out like that all i want to do is die. and i dont want to be married when i die that way nobody misses me. but nobody would anyway like i just said. even my ""friends" would move on. i wonder if christine actually needed the phone or if she just wanted me to go. the last thing she said was "christine just needs the phone ok now get out of my room dont come back. bye" for one thing we have this thig where since we live so far away we know that if we tried we can feel eachother and even talk to eachother when we arent actually on the phone or online. so i was in her room. another thing is that we never say bye because we are always supposed to be with eachther. i know she is mad at me and since im out of her room maybe she will fuck kodi again. wether or not she does that will show if she really loves me or is the same she used to be. if she says she fucked him or thought about it then we will have to have a really serious talk......

 im trying so hard but i just cant forget the things she said last night.......

please god let me talk to rose tonight this is killing me i need to talk to her.  

im not listening to music right now. idky i just cant do anything im so just idk. i canty even explain my feelings. well i know rose probably wont read this cuz i never told her i started posting in livejournal agian so ill just put my thoughts down.

this is a breakdown of how my day went
-i woke up this morning depressed and lonly wondering what happpened to rose and when i checked my cell to see if she messaged me i cried. when i got to school i was trying to keep myself from breaking down at school.
-rose didnt come with me to school today like she usually does. i thought it was because she died (i even checked obitchuaries yesterday) so i thought that was it. but then i got a message from dip telling me that her internet went down. so then i was confused and happy at same time. i was happy she was safe. because last night i prayed that she would be. but i was confused as to why she isnt at school with me. 
-so on the way back from catc i got some messages. the messages were from rose. i was really happy i read "hi its rose" and smiled the part i didnt read was right after that said "dnt txt bak" she said she was sorry and being a good girl. and also just threw in that she ALMOST likes somebody. 
-my heart dropped.

ive been depressed all day and yesterday. i need to talk to rose tonight the stress is killing me i keep having all these awful scary thoughts come into my head.

the only few times i stayed up all night were spent talking to roseski.

Mcdonalds. mmmmm i would kill a man for a filet-o-fish right now or a snack wrap omg.

your mom. shes an animal. IN BED!!!!!! ouch haha. but idk if she would feel regret after what i did to her last night. (this joke wasnt aimed towards anyone i just like making ur mom jokes ok)

fag. means cigar in some other country. yeah thats right im smokin a big ol fag. u got a problem with me havin a fag in my mouth huh motherfucker?

ouch thats a toughie. sorta haha. Well my freinds (or some of them) are awesome and cool to have around. But my wife roseski is all i need to make me happy.

 hi its been a while since i last posted. i fell asleep on rose again last night i hope she didnt get upset but idk. hmmm i got to go to work in 2 hours i wonder whos gonna be there. oh well im bored and i got nothin to talk about. love u rose.

 wow i said something dumb yesterday, really dumb. and now because of that and a couple other things she is gonna leave me. IF i was albe to get my cell last night and IF she was able to call me then there was a chance but i had no way to get it. I love her so much. i wanted to tell her the dumbass thing i did yesterday while she was (and still is i think) thinking about wether or not to leave me. welll i have a dc bandanna of hers that she sent (different story for another day). But earlier in the day i cuddled it and held it and stuff to make me feel better cuz i could feel her. But during all that stuff yesterday  i was looking at it and i was all depressed so i tried to strangle myself with it. the only reason im still alive was that i was pulling it so tight that my sweaty hand slipped off and after i caught my breath i changed my mind, and realized i told her i wouldnt do that. 
she told me that she would never leave me, that she would never be like the reast and was different but she is doing exactly that. I told her i would never leave her and i never will but it doesnt matter cuz she is gone i just need to wait for her to message me and say its over. I really wish things were different but if i dont make her happy and she is happier without me then she has to leave cuz her happiness is all that matters to me anymore. and she deserves someone near her, someone that can hold her. im in maine shes in PA do tha math. **wipes tears away from eyes and walks away**

 i havent written in this journal recently. so guess what bitches? i am now so suck it. Ok lets start off with new things....
-i got a bluetooth headset which makes me an official douche.
-almost died yesterday but i wont go into details about that
-im talking to roseski on gmail right now <3
-talked on the phone with her for about 5 hours last night. it was not the best phone convo ive had
thats about it.
Im still so sorry about what i said to her last night, i dont even fully remember what i said but it wasnt true and idky i fucking said it. All i remember was saying something and then i stopped and she started crying. I felt so dead insde it was horrible i was crying and didnt know what to do.
Things are better now im so happy now i hope she can call tonight i miss her.