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 i have been thinking about it a lot. and i really want to cut. i keep struggling to get the thoughts out of my head but then when i stop thinking about cutting more painful things come into my head. i dont know what to do. im in so much pain i need to do it but im scared if i did i would keep doing it..... damn this is so confusing. maybe if i just fucking die then it wouldnt be so confusing would it? but i promised rose i wouldnt die. and i know dying wouldnt help i still want to live my life with rose and i really hope my heart feels better soon. im scared she is going to leave me because im so scared and my heart is broken. it was truamatizing having to listen to her do that over the phone. when it comes back into my head... all the moaning, the shit she said, everything. it just kills me. i know she did something like this before to jeremy but im nothing like he was. and now i know it for sure because she did that to him once and he deserved it totally for being unloyal in thoughts to her. and i havent done anything like that but she did it 2 times and then made me listen over the phone to it the third time she did. i dont even know what i did to make her mad. but i know it wasnt as bad as what jeremy did to make her do it. its been days and its still killing me inside. shes mad at him for a useless reason. one that kills me inside more than anything else. and she doesnt even realize it. she doesnt understand what it is about it that makes me so sad. i was typing this onto lj to try and vent to stop myself from cutting but its making things worse. i dont even know how the fuck i would tell her if i did. but if i did i would definately tell her in one way or another. because i love her with all my heart. or at least the parts of it that arent broken. but i know she can fix those parts. she really is amazing and i cant stand the thought of loosing her. 


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