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 wow this is getting bad. i keep thinking about cutting. the thoughts wont leave my head. and i keep doing it too. again and again. sometimes its beacuse it turns me on and i can jack off with the pain. and most of the time its because the pain of the cuts distracts me from the other pain. i feel like i deserve it too. like i did something wrong to make rose do that to me. and she almost killed herself last night too. im so scared this pain is fucking tearing me apart. its all my fault. i hope rose will forgive me and we can be happy again i really hope. i love rose so fucking much. i would do anything for her. well anything that i can actually do. she keeps getting mad at me because i wont get fucking amancipated. thats such shit i hate it when this happens. she gets upset everytime i cant do something for her. i mean, i understand this but like she knows i cant do it because even if i do i have no fucking way dow there still. it will just cause more problems. and maybe someday she will realize that instead of get mad at me for it especially at the time i need her fucking love the most. when im in all this pain the last thing i needed was more pain. thats probably why i cut so much now. i relly just started today but i did a few times before. there are 100s of cuts (litterally) all over my legs like a roadmap. whenever i go crazy and just cut and slash at it, it looks like a bloody mess.

the last time i cut was a bout an hour or so ago. and i plan to do it again soon. idky i do this. its really bad.  i used to like it because of the blood. now its more than that. idk. 

i hope i can talk to rose tonight. if i can i hope i can hear her. her phone is so fucked up its really pissing e off. she sent me 2 voicemails and one of them she said she was going to trick or treat with bros, idk when she will be back home and i boubt she has been a good girl but i guess we will see. i really hope to talk to her soon. and i really hope her phone is better. this really sucks god i need help.


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